HELD BACK :: 2007

It was a subconscious path
With memories just under the surface
And like rain falls down
With its refreshing purpose
I knew the stains
These lingering pains
Were never trying to hurt ‘us.’

It was an annual meditation
Marked by a tear in the calendar
Of my previous existence
It was the reminder of me as ‘us’
Laced with love letters
And photos
Asking for deliverance.

It was never simple
To examine
My emotions
On this subject
Yet it was never too complex,
The challenge
To understand
Making me reflect
Why do you love
With intensity
And allow the flames to subside?
Why do you feel so sad
To the point
The extinguished past
Makes you feel as if you died?
It was the wrong meditation
To center my spirit on
It was the wrong path
That always ended
In a tragic love song
If I was bored
With the lack of insight
In what went wrong
Then I had to open myself up
To better grasping
Where am I going to belong.

And it brought me here
I raised my hands
Like I was in church
And I tasted
The divinity
Of a salty tear
That promised me
More than
A reflection
On a painful year
For once in so long
I had a simple grasp
That made me…
Stand out clear…

I took myself off the market
I held myself back
I knew my scent
Was as alluring
As warm blood to a vampire attack
I hid myself
Fibbed myself
Into thinking I was ready to sail
But if I look back
I chose my solitary steel and glass tower
Over a dating hell
Because I knew deep down
That once I was understood
I would be pinned down
And I was too weak
And I would take it lying down
The affection
To close a gap
Like my body knew
That signal was a trap
It was intuition
That held me back
The trepidation
The lack of anticipation
I was not looking for that love to grow
I was holding back
Because wounds needed to heal
Scars wanted to be less of a show
This is how I lived
Protected
And I didn’t even know

To start the story off
Acknowledging the insane pain
Is the appropriate context
To set the truths I have gained
It has not been about my loss
It was what had to be explained
Over time
Hidden from my conscious state
Like a tiger
Strikingly still, patient to wait...
Sprung on me
Like an epiphany that brought hope
An understanding
Of how to survive
And emotionally cope
All the while knowing
It was necessary
Because I am the treasure people seek
I am more than an average man
And I will open myself up
To the company I wish to keep.