NIGGER LOVER :: 2008

There are defining moments that irrevocably change us
That muddy time with dirty paws
Like talons, they rake chronal streams with bloody claws
Twisting the fates
As cavalier as drawing for straws
I have those moments
Imprinted on my soul
Defining my curvature
As I grow old

They were roller skates
That felt too big for my feet
They were cutoff jean shorts
One should never keep
It was the 80’s
And a birthday party at the roller rink
Pizza and rock music
And all of the soda that you could drink
It was a time i can only feel now
As it was not a time meant to overthink
It was simple and clear
Of all the complexities that allow us to sink

She was Shawna
She was my best friends sister
She was ebony
Like chocolate had kissed her
Pleased with her complexion
She was walking confection
A lithe gymnast
Who at 10 didn’t need my protection
I was the waif, of course,
Who could not gain a pound
And I held shawna’s hand
And we skated round n round

It was like a knife to butter
Slicing through too easy
It was words that made my stomach
Turn queasy
Like when I had milk
Past its expiration date
It made that circular rink
Feel like more than I could take

They called me nigger lover
Like it was my scarlet letter
Yet I wore it
Like no one could wear it better
I held her hand tighter
And I wouldn’t let go
As we turned that corner
I said we would make another go
I knew she could hear
What was being said
I wanted to sing so loud
They never entered her head
I felt in that moment
My innocence taken away
I also felt a strength
That didn’t require me to pray
It was by instinct
That I refused to let go
That I knew that moment
Would define how I would grow

I hurt for her
And I hurt for me
I hurt for Columbus, GA
And its tainted serenity
Small world
Felt like suffocation
Oppressively stifled
In colorful education
I learned the merit
Of language and its vice
I saw human beings
Through different eyes

It molded me
With sensitivity
It gave me
A natural proclivity
To seek out common threads
Where none conventionally apply
Just one of my defining moments
Changing my world
Like the cast of a die