Pain is weakness leaving your body...
which leads me to think that if to gain strength, you must face it and go through it...
then these moments of my life that have hit such high moments of pain...
are truly just exercises to make me better than I was before.
I wrote the poem "Nigger Lover" on mine and Tameka's train ride to Glasgow in December...
I had just read in one of the UK tabloids about a racial slur thrown at a teacher repeatedly by the school's principal...
And it just kind of jarred a memory...
I think I had spent the past few days musing on self-philosophical-masturbatory material and the mushy-dreamy encounter with Mark... lol
I think foreign travel makes me more self-involved, like I want to take in everything and make it 'reinvent' or reinspire me...
Well anyways, I guess it did.
It's easy for me to write about raw emotions... Things I could rarely speak aloud can just flow out.
I write and I never look back. I never edit. It's just a big gush of feelings and the words jus come...
But it's usually about love or self progression...
Something like this poem comes once in a blue moon for me...
Do you ever feel like you have lived many lives in your current lifespan?
I think I have. And I think it bothered me. Like I was a Sybill.
How could I have been that person at that point in time? And who am I now?
By living in the moment...I think it is easy to disconnect from my past.
Or rather, I tend to live in the next moment...and am therefore even further disconnected more from my past.
So when these triggers like that tabloid article...when they pop up...it's almost like I am watching or experiencing some episode on TV. And not a moment that actually occurred in my past...
I remember writing that poem on that train.
And it actually just flowed for me...
And i was tearing up the whole time...
Like it hurt to write it...
But reopening that painful moment in time, reminded me of all the rascist and sexist and homophobic and closed-off thinking I grew up around in GA...
This was a defining moment for me.
This moment cultivated me into the man I am...
My mama babied me.
She lost a daughter before I was born.
She lost her older brother as a teenager.
So she was so protective.
Playing sports was so difficult with her, too.
I remember playing baseball and I think my nose got busted up.
And she screamed at my dad I couldn't play that anymore. lol
I just have to think that if this negative experience with Shawna hadn't occurred so early in my youth...then I would never have dared to stand on my own feet... I would be a mama's boy...too sheltered to form my own thoughts...
It was through other people's ignorance that I was enlightened...
And this fundamentally changed who I am.
And how I see this world and TRUE equality.
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