THREE PILLARS :: 2010

I think if you ever really let your walls come completely down, and truly allow yourself to become vulnerable… It is one of the most self-destructive things you will ever do. But it’s the fucking bravest and boldest thing you can ever do, as well. And most guys don’t have the balls to do it. Breaking down your inhibitions and opening yourself up is a dismantling of arms. It’s throwing down weapons and opening yourself up for the attack. And what does not kill you, will only make you stronger.

I had clarity in good ol’ Columbus, GA over the end of the holidays. I realized I didn’t want to live in the past anymore. I could only hold to the memories like a bouquet of glitter flowers or a shared bath with Brazilian music playin through a dark apartment for so long… I realized the compromises I had made to my own needs. And then I played a game of imagination… I projected into the future…. And I saw something I didn’t want anymore. I didn’t want the pit in my stomach. The anxiety. The imbalance that comes when your walls are down and theirs are still standing. It was like a puff of smoke. To let go of a fantasy is to embrace a real future.

Vic was the greatest love of my life to date. And after him, I think it was the first time in my life that I really did not know what I wanted next. I am a man who has always lived in the future-tense. Never satisfied with the present, loosely anchored to the past… I don’t think there has ever been a point where I didn’t know what I wanted NEXT. My old CEO described me as ‘fearless’ when it came to my career. I remember laying on the carpet at age 8 watching Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous and telling my Maw Maw “I will go there” and motioning to footage of Monaco and London and Milan…. So I think when I started off 2010 with no sense of future in terms of what kind of man I wanted… I think I was fucking scared at first. And then I flipped it. This could be an adventure….

In the past I have held back… because I wasn’t ready to be ‘taken.’ Now I want to be owned. I don’t want to play games. I don’t want to get into that ‘who called last’ bullshit. I just want directness. To the point. Fucking simple. You want me, I want you. Let’s do this.

And thus the concept of 3 Pillars was born… I would keep my walls down and open myself up to a world of possibilities. Who would have ever thought I would have fallen for a lil fashionisto with a penchant for karaoke and wigs? I fucking didn’t.

So the idea that a dude could be attractive from a whole spectrum of behavioral types is interesting….

A playboy. He can be fun. Young. Arm candy. Sexual. Someone to give my experience to.

Or my balance. Someone who I achieve equilibrium with. The idealistic complement to me. Ying yang.

Or my giver. He nurtures me. Takes care of me. Can make more $$ than me.

Three individual pillars I have been exploring through dates and interactions… Play. Balance. Nurture.

I am not looking for someone. I just expect to be found.